Sunday, August 21, 2011

Got milk?

Flowers On The Wall by The Statler Brothers

Been a long time coming...

...But I'm proud to announce that I've rereleased The Milkman in a special, "author's cut" edition. Here's the blurb and the cover for your enjoyment!
When Liza, an intrepid reporter, stakes her career on an interview with a milkman named Blake, things go from weird to worse when they are abducted by aliens. After finding out the real reason aliens anally probe their abductees, the two heroes have no choice but to recruit a makeshift army of genius bikers to take the fight to the aliens and save the world!

Originally released as a print-on-demand book in 2005, The Milkman returns in the revised and expanded SuperSekrit Extra Cheesy Edition, chock full of goofy fun never included in the original edition.
Includes lots of bonus features such as:

-Author's commentary track
-Soundtrack listing
-Sneak peek at The Milkman 2: Evil Garden Gnome
-Previews of future books from Ian Thomas Healy
-Gag Reel (and aren't you curious how I managed to pull that off?)

Get it on Smashwords now, and other ebook retailers very, very soon for only $2.99

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Now available...Action! The Ebook!

Now available from Smashwords and soon to be available from all online retailers, you can buy the complete Action! manual for only $2.99!

12: Gratuitous Explosions and Other Action Downfalls


Writing action scenes can be a tremendous amount of fun. Your characters can do all those stunts you've seen in movies, and you can invent entirely new predicaments for them. You have to be careful not to get too carried away with that fun, because it can result in some pitfalls that can ruin even the best-planned action scene.

Quick Cuts. This is a common problem when writers are trying to pull back and write from a "global" perspective. It's easy to do because you, the writer, can see everything that's going on in an action scene, and it's tempting to write every bit of it, because that's what writers do. Jumping around in a scene quickly, sometimes with as little as a single sentence devoted to one character followed by a sentence for another and so on, is the literary equivalent of the jump cut in cinema. Some directors have no sense of flow when it comes to an action scene, and they figure the frenetic camera cuts with shots lasting less than a second are a suitable equivalent.
Hint: they're not.
Jumping around in your scene from character to character, like you're trying to make sure everybody gets equal coverage, will make your scene choppy and have no flow to it. This in turn eliminates the possibility of one of the most useful aspects of action scenes: character development. As described in Part 1, an action scene can be an excellent vehicle for readers to learn more about the characters. If the scene has no flow to it because of quick cuts, this is an impossibility.

Headhopping. This is generally a no-no in all types of fiction. Headhopping is when the narrative has been focusing on a single character's thoughts, words, and deeds, and suddenly in the middle of the scene the narrative switches to someone else's focus without any obvious scene break. The equivalent might be if you're playing a first-person-shooter video game and all of a sudden you're a different character. Does that sound a bit jarring? Because in fiction it's just as jarring, and in an action scene it effectively interrupts the flow as the reader has to figure out what just happened.

Purple Prose. We're all writers, and we love words. It can be tempting to reach into one's thesaurus to come up with beautiful and unusual words to perfectly capture the essence of our intent. Unfortunately, there's no place for this in an action scene. Overwriting drags the pace of a scene down to a crawl as the reader has to try to follow the flow of action through a muddle of rich language. Along the same lines is the problem of the odd word choice. You may love the word conflagration, but a typical reader may not know it also means fire. I'm not saying don't use rich language at all, but if a reader doesn't know a word, it's like hitting a roadblock as they look at it, go "Huh?" and have to deduce its meaning from the language around it.

Action Without Reaction or Consequence. In reality, if you get shot (and I hope you never do!), you'll probably scream, piss yourself, vomit, go into shock, faint, or all of the above. On the other hand, heroes always seem to shrug off "minor flesh wounds," tear off a strip of their shirt to bind them, and keep on going. This is what makes our heroes exciting: the ability to battle through pain that would reduce the rest of us to quivering piles of jelly on the floor. If your hero can be shot a dozen times and be fine later in the book, then what's the point of her having been shot at all? Don't forget the lasting consequences of wounds or injuries just because the action scene is finished.
Along the same lines, don't forget that those chase scenes may leave dozens of innocent bystanders injured or killed, and cause thousands of dollars' worth of property damage. Stray bullets from a gunfight can travel a long distance. If there's no risk of consequence to the heroes, there's no need for them to act like heroes. They can blow stuff up willy-nilly, which may be cool for the first five minutes, but will get boring and unrealistic quickly.

No Resolution. Finally, it's important to remember that any Engagement or Sequence that fails to resolve even a minor plot point is completely gratuitous. A Sequence ought to resolve something major. If you have an idea for a car chase involving dump trucks and a drawbridge doesn't mean you should put it in your book just because it looks cool. If nothing has changed for the plot between the moment the heroes climb into that dump truck and the moment the truck crashes to relative safety on the other side of the open drawbridge, you're guilty of a Gratuitous Explosion. It doesn't matter if it's not an explosion. You know what I mean.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Critique #15

The largest dog howled a war cry and the others lunged forward. Cecily screamed. She turned, took two steps and tripped over sagebrush. An arrow whizzed over her head, then another and another and another. All four dogs stumbled and fell.

Uncle North! Thank the winter brothers for Uncle North! [Formatting point: Later on you italicize thoughts. Make sure you're consistent.]

Cecily pushed herself up and ran. She jumped over sagebrush and dodged juniper trees. She heard the dogs stagger to their feet, heard their howls, heard their paws thumping the ground. [Your repeated "heards" are slowing down the pacing of this moment.]

Then there were howls in front of her and Cecily realized where the four missing dogs were. [I thought the dogs had been shot from your opening sentences. You should clarify that they were not. Dogs are generally sure-footed animals, and for all four to stumble and fall together sounds contrived.]

She stumbled to a stop and stared at the dogs. She was surrounded. [Are these wild dogs or trained? I realize that's probably covered outside this excerpt, but if they're trained and have been ordered to hunt her down, I think they'd probably attack right away.]

I am going to die, I am going to die.

For some reason that realization gave her a sliver of courage and she remembered her hunting knife. [This has an emotional disconnect for me. How does her realization that she's going to die suddenly make her courageous?] Her gloved hands fumbled for it and somehow managed to remove the blade from its sheath. She adjusted her grip on the knife and watched as the dogs circled her. Why didn’t they attack? [I'm glad to see that the character is asking herself the same question I am.]

Uncle North shot another arrow and it lodged in a dog’s back. The dog staggered and turned to look at Uncle North who was perched on the ridge. [This doesn't work for me. A dog isn't going to immediately look at the source of an arrow. In the dog's mind, he's find, and then he's hurt. He's going to whimper and try to snap at the thing stuck in his back. He doesn't know it's an arrow, or that it was shot at him from a distance. It's just there.] The dog shook its head and turned back to Cecily. [And again, this is not a natural doggie response to an injury. If these are unnatural creatures, these might be adequate actions, but otherwise they don't work.] Uncle North shot the dog again and hit its leg. The beast’s eyes flashed. [Like a flashbulb going off or is this a metaphor? I'm unsure these are dogs instead of demonic beasts (or something). You might clarify it a little more.] It snarled and turned and raced towards the ridge. [I know I keep bringing this up, but the dog has cornered prey right in front of it. Why is it turning to go after the distant man? Dogs don't understand cause and effect.]

Instinctively Cecily bolted towards the hole it left. A dog on her left lunged to cut her off and she slashed at it. If she reached the mountain, she could climb to safety. [Is the dog going to hamstring her? How large are these beasts? A small dog would try to bite through her ankle, to hobble her and make her easier to knock down. A large dog would just try to bear her down and tear out her throat, intestines, or other soft tissues.

Also, unless this mountain is a sheer cliff face, dogs can climb it.]

Teeth sank into Cecily’s pant leg. She stumbled head first and flipped over. Her accidental summersault pulled her leather trousers from the beast’s mouth and somehow she was on her feet again [Don't "somehow" it, show what happened.], racing blindly ahead. She almost ran into a massive boulder barring her path. No time to go around. She dropped her knife, found hand holds, and climbed the rock. It was fifteen feet high and much wider. She crawled to the middle, gasping for breath. Ten feet of rock on all sides, fifteen feet in the air. [This rock would have to have sheer sides for a dog not to be able to get onto it. Is it a natural rock or a carved piece of stone?]

She was safe.

A mangled scream, a human scream, sliced the air. Cecily lifted her head, saw Uncle North on the mountain ledge, clutching his leg. The dog with an arrow in its back slid down the mountain face. It hit the ground, crouched then sprang. It pushed off the vertical mountain halfway up and propelled itself just high enough to clamp down on Uncle North’s foot before it fell to the ground, pulling Uncle North with it.

Cecily’s arms buckled. That ledge was twenty-five feet in the air.

Cecily screamed as a dog jumped onto her rock. And then another. And another. They advanced. [These three 2- and 3-word sentences slow your pacing down significantly. In this case, the three brief sentences add nothing positive to your narration. I think if you were to expand them just a little, you would improve the narration without hurting the feel. Are the dogs panting? Drooling? How do their claws sound on the rock? Are they advancing to kill her?] She crawled away from them. Her hand slipped off the edge of the rock and she almost fell. She looked down. The others were waiting for her below. There was nowhere to go.

[You've got a basic structure of an action scene here, and what it's really crying out for is some better pacing and stronger description. Every time you end a sentence, a reader will pause briefly (they won't really notice, but read it aloud and you'll see what I mean). Every time you end a paragraph, the reader pauses even longer. You have a lot of short sentences and single-sentence paragraphs in this excerpt, and that's serving to bring your pacing to a crawl when the scene should really have a lot faster pacing.

You can add richer language and description to an action scene without harming the pacing. You have both dogs and Cecily stumbling. She crawls a couple times. I have no picture of these dogs or the setting from your excerpt. Again, this may be earlier in the narrative before this excerpt, but you could stand to give a little more information about it here.

Since you're narrating in close POV, you could stand to add a little more emotional content as well. Cecily is terrified. Anybody would be - who wants to be torn apart by dogs? We're in her head. Let us feel what she's feeling.

Thanks for participating!] 

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

From the Department of Ian's Fiction #3

Pariah’s Moon now available!


Branded on his face and exiled following his forbidden affair with the Princess of Aelfland, Elven soldier Giele seeks redemption on the frontier across the ocean, but even fleeing half a world away isn’t far enough to escape the troubles that follow a marked man. He finds sporadic acceptance, even some measure of friendship, from a holy man, a drunken mage, and even a shopkeeper, but when he inadvertently crosses paths with a local gangster, the frontier is no longer safe. Giele accepts a surveying job for the railroad, but once in the wilderness, the gangster and his thugs ambush Giele and leave him staked out, wounded and dying.

Giele is rescued from certain death by an old native medicine woman and soon he finds himself immersed in the culture of the primitive but peaceful Horks. He begins to let go of the scars of his past, but the past hasn’t yet let go of him. When the gangster takes his hatred of Giele out on the Hork tribe, Giele realizes that his redemption has come at a terrible price, and a showdown is inevitable.

Available on Smashwords now and other ebook retailers soon!